08/10/08

I have to fight with myself not to offer his Valentines computer gift to me back to him. I had to remind myself that the computer I ordered at his command was not good for gamers, doesn't do 3D very well, but it's great for running a bunch of RAM hungry programs at the same time. 4gigs of RAM, can handle Vista, FrontPage, PhotoShop and my browser being open, which is what I have to have going just to update my website.

I wonder if I passed up on computers, of lesser cost, that said it was "great for gamers", because in the back of my mind I could see James breaking the 10th Commandment and coveting my new computer.

I just shared my thoughts with him on that and he said, "No don't even think that way. I wanted you to get the best computer that you could with the money." Sure doesn't sound like a man who wants to be separated.

Sun Tzu http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sun_Tzu   wrote, in the art of war..."Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill." ISBN# 0-19-501540-1

My treachery was to give him all the freedom he wanted to have, and still be loving and kind to him when he's home. It took a while to fall on that tactic. Better to fall over a tactic than to fall on one's sword. No good came from reacting from the ego and being a Leo that was the most difficult lesson to learn. Selfless love, "If you are happier with someone else I love you so much I'd rather have you happy without me than miserable with me." flutter the eyelashes at this point. I know that some young women don't want to share a good man. Never heard of polyamorous relationships, never considered polygamy. They were never hippies in a commune I would reckon.

Some young women get upset when their man looks at other women, planting in that insecure jealous moment the seeds that will sprout when a man lies "I only have eyes for you, dear.".  Disallow the truth to be spoken then lies will take their place. My own saying.

I believe in pointing out beautiful women to the men in my life. Let's get the oogling out into the open so there's no lies between us. "Cute gal at 2 o'clock, pink halter top." I'd say softly into my cafe mocha. Then they'd look, smile, maybe get turned on. Then I can take them home and take advantage of that turned on state. But young women are self centered. They are aiming to find a breeding man who will take care of them when they are lying in after birthing.

Not being aware of the biological imperative makes people weave all sort of romantic myths around their urge to procreate. It's always a mind blower when a women goes up to a man and says, "My place or yours?" and not charge money. Because everyone looking to hook up have the same mid range goal, and that's getting it on. The end goal is to continue the species.

Disallowing the truth breeding lies is a killer in a new relationship. All the late nights of pouring out your heart and telling each other all the little secrets gets replaced with silence, or phatic speech. "What you thinking about?" will be met with "nothing", meaning "Nothing I can share with you without you getting all bent out of shape because I have a past and my future might not include you."

On another meandering thought I have a theory about women who aim their sights at married men. There's women who aim their sights on a married man because they really don't want, nor expect, their energies to be reciprocated. It's like falling in love with an icon, there's no way to get hurt when you love an icon. If a woman gets involved with a married man who doesn't move forward, i.e., getting a divorce, moving his stuff in, staying there when sick, etc. Then it's an indication of her low self esteem. "I don't deserve any better treatment."  Which fits with the theory that aiming for a married man, the subconscious desire to avoid bad treatment by avoiding single men. There's tons of single men in the bay area, there was a reason why a married man was the target. Sussing out that reason will get one closer to the cause of her low self esteem.

I can't fault men for falling for opportunistic coupling.  It's how they are hard wired. It's flattering when some woman makes a man the object of her obsession, although it gets old quick. How many married men would refuse a extramarital sexual encounter if they KNEW they would not get caught? Not a whole lot. I do know a woman's mind set, though. I do know that there are strategies used, like leaving love tokens, sending notes, giving and expecting gifts on the appropriate dates to be remembered, putting up with any sort of male behavior. It's a way to ingratiate themselves into the brain of the man who is really thinking of other things, other women, other sexual possibilities.

The struggle over resources leads to war. That's why I bring up Sun Tzu, the art of war on the battle field is not a whole lot different than the art of war in the love zone. One is working with human beings who, if unevolved, will react in predictable ways. One can use strategies and still be sincere and truthful. I tell my husband, "Disregard everything I've said tonight because I'm working hard to get you back." Like telling the jury to disregard some testimony in court. That only locks that testimony in their brain by telling them to disregard it. When you show your cards it's disarming to the other party. It's a brain scramble. It's risky and there's excitement in a risk and any excitement often leads to sexual energy.

My being steadfast and loving my husband even when he got distracted is logical and prudent. I don't want to have to break in a new bloke. I don't want to waste the time in looking. I have things I need to accomplish and all that "love stuff" will be a time sink, and therefore, not logical nor prudent. I felt the best thing to do is to work real hard, build my business, go out on tours, stay in the public eye, and if I end up supporting myself then I can reconsider my options. Until that time I'm not tossing out a man I'm not finished loving, yet. Especially when it would mean setting my own hut on fire. I may have hurt feelings but I'm not suicidal.

There was a reason why we've been together for nearly 12 years, while being 26 years apart in age. There's a number of reasons. I'm hip and trippy, he's amused by that. He's really bright intellectually, albeit a bit naive with the dynamics of breeding women on the prowl. We both still think the other is beautiful and desirable. We make each other laugh. We allow each other to weep and most importantly we are truthful with one another. We have the best conversations, where the other brings a different point of view. An intellectual companion will please you after the fire of the blood has cooled.

02-23-08 I'm clearing this page every now and then and putting them on a page of their own. 5:20pm, I'm futzing with it now.

Ok, it worked. From the start of this new blog to today I got that on one page. 02-23-08 Computer Woes. That's the new computer's woe, actually. It's hardware issues on a new box as opposed to webhost problems that I had been having. See a trend? Jeese.

I don't think that Technorati will be able to track my blog posts like they did for WordPress, it's a different set up here. But that's ok. I picture this wee prefab an emergency shelter until I get a trackable blog set up, if I ever do again. I sort of like the feel of talking to myself instead of yelling over the heads of a very loud crowd. 5:32pm, off to forage.

08:51pm Two trays of ginger garlic teriyaki chicken wings with spring onion garnish cooked and set in the fridge for Sunday foraging. Cheese burgers with tomato and romane lettuce for tonight. Spare patties cooked and in the fridge. Got bananas and oranges to push on the populace, "It's potassium and vitamin C!" I urge.

James's machine is rebooting every now and then so putting that old memory stick in helped him to get logged in but the machine is unstable. Still got to test out that original video card. Make a note of it and remind me, ok?

Maybe I should have gotten two 500 dollar machines, new one for him and new one for me, instead of getting a thousand dollar machine that comes in broken? Naw, I deserved a high end machine cuz I got high end needs. Plus it's been a long time coming. So no regrets, he'll either figure out what the problem is with the help of his online friends, or he'll have to get a new computer, from a new source (the one he's pissing about was from NewEgg).

Oh great, he got it... now he's playing only one character, on his other computer that's more stable. Didn't I suggest that hours earlier? "The only reason why I made this (the unstable computer) my main one was because of that special video card." He mutters. Handy to have two, like taking two hankies to the dance, one to show and one to blow. Well he'll settle down to a night of doing bits of a larger quest.

It didn't rain too much with the Chinese New Year's parade, some, not a whole lot. Our too cute Mayor Gavin Newsome said he's done 12 of these parades and only 4 he can remember not getting rained on. One of those non rain parades James and I went to in the early years of our marriage. The Stanford band, those crazy kids, surrounded me and James on the sidewalk on Market Street and played energetically. It was a magical moment because I knew that was a first for the both of us. Got to look high and low for mutual "firsts" when you're in an intergenerational marriage.

I did a google for "norajean blog" and this one came up first. So folk will find me if they want to. Some will find me even when they don't want to read what I got to write. Click off then. Seems simple.