08/10/08

When I got this new computer I promised myself that I'd update my resume at Monster.com. I mentioned the other day that if anyone found that amusing and got in touch with me I'd fall off my chair.

Today an agent from an employment agency emailed me regarding that updated resume. It's a little job, accounts receivables at a SF media company. I wrote back and am scheduling a phone interview. I wrote to James telling him.

After a year of being unofficially "separated" I'm ready to be free. I feel that if someone is in a relationship it should be 100% or nothing. James wanted me to set up my e-commerce section of my site and make money being an artist. Well, there's a recession going on and people have less money for entertainment. Most family budgets the money goes for gas and food. I don't think this is a good time to start a business.

Being unofficially separated is like being in emotional limbo. I don't have a marriage and I'm not free to move forward with my life. The only thing that's keeping me from moving forward is he's still paying rent. There's some things worse than being alone, is my motto. If I find a job in this economy, at my age, then I'll figure it's a sign to file for divorce. I want to pay off the DA for the fee they charged me for when one of my sons was in juvenile hall. When I get that debt paid I can renew my passport. Then I can travel overseas and meet my international claymates.

Being alone at this age might be scary for some people but I've got close to 2,000 list members, friends, family, off spring, and that's not being alone. What I want is a partner who I can go out to movies with, someone who will eat at the table instead of taking all his meals at the computer while he plays video games, someone who is positive about the future, someone who is not afraid of my aging. Being his emotional safety net isn't enough for me. I'd rather live alone than to be undervalued. Lord knows I can use the space to spread out with my crafts.

If he wants to live with her then he can go make a commitment to that relationship. Then she can worry about "the other woman" for a change. It reminds me of the short story I wrote years ago when I was caught in another triangle. "The Hickey". What I've come to understand when a man has two women on the string he has the best of both worlds, has his "kate and edith too". No matter whose house he goes to the women are on their best behavior hoping he'd pick them. Well I'm stepping out of this triangle as soon as I get a full time job. If he can't make a decision then I will. I'm not angry. I'm tired of things being unresolved.

He just wrote from work that he has to go over to her place today because it's Cezar Chavez day and she's got a day off from school. When ever there's a change in schedule it's because she has the need to see him. That's when I told him about the hit from Monster.com. Let him know that I'm moving forward and he can deal with that other relationship however he wants to.

He's been writing back and forth to me about past life memories, do clones have souls, and not a word about the Monster.com hit. Interesting how he dodged that topic. I don't think he wants to move in with her. I do feel he'll keep this triangle going until one of us women puts her foot down. Then he doesn't have to make up his mind, circumstances did it for him. I'm not the type of person who itches a bandaid off for a week. I'd just as soon rip a bandaid off and take my chances. I'm feel very feisty right now.

Pluto goes Retrograde in Capricorn, right on my ascendant. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling that Jupiter Return and Saturn Return too. It's like ... ok, there's transformations that need to take place, I got to get some "career" decisions to make, I'm supposed to be going into a head space of expanding my circle of contacts. Ok then, let's go do it. Let's rip that bandaid off and see what happens.